On graduation night, I invited all the gremlins, ghouls, trolls, gibble-dees and gobbledoos in the neighborhood to participate in the festivities. Deep into the night as the moon’s beams were absorbed by the forest, the party carried on and the fire’s flames cast their magic onto all monsterdom.

Poppa told me I was, as part of my education, going to undergo physical training to learn my skills as a novice lace puller. Growing up, I would groan and sigh as I yanked and tugged to pop open the laces. Poppa said that the real challenge, the real test for the kids, was to continue to play on despite this obstacle. The passion of soccer was really on parade when little kids played through my tricks and traps. Many times I just plain plopped on my rear end straining to learn what Poppa taught me.

Poppa warned me to be a determined little fellow, and he taught me my lessons well. He said it was the force of the soccer legends that held that giant global shoelace high in the sky. It was an offering to them. But he also told me that even with the laces untied, these boys and girls would never stop playing their beloved game of soccer.

So now that you have become acquainted with my personality and family history, and, of course, my style on the soccer field, you must be wondering how I developed these superpowers and techniques that have brought me fame in the rain forest.

I learned my skills at the Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo Monster School in the rain forest of Brazil (see picture insert 3, “Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo Monster School on Gobbledy Guck Lane”). My daddy, Poppa-Ooh Mow-Mow, was the headmaster of the school on Gobbledy Guck Lane. He taught many of the courses himself, such as the basics: lace twirling, yanking and pulling, spinning and riding, peek-a-boo 101, and the cling-on independent study. These courses were designed to teach successive generations of shoelace monsters how to hang on to laces and avoid being caught by munchkin-size soccer players.

The cling-on was, for me, my most difficult course because it took many months to perfect my ball-clinging techniques. You had to use paw suction power to grip the soccer ball and then hang on for dear life as the ball spun to and fro. My favorite type of ball was the old leather casers where a panel would be loose or frayed. When I clung on to these flaps, it provided me with natural camouflage from the kids.